It’s been a while. For the past few years I have been working outside the home, while going to school and raising kids. Time has not stood still. Instead it feels like time has been swallowed up. Enter COVID. Enter a giant pause button. As I considered the debt, I was taking to get a Master’s degree, I stopped… and it seemed even the world stopped.
Why take all this debt to get a degree? Why swim in a direction away from what I was called? I had reasoned that I was on the right path pursuing an avenue to help people, but I never felt right about the student loan debt and certainly did not feel right about serving in a way that only allowed a few mentions of Jesus when I am called to declare Him at all costs, even from the rooftops. I had reasoned that counseling people would be something I could answer my calling through. COVID allowed me to work from home, caused me to lose work hours and commute time, suddenly I had time to read my Bible like never before. I have gained time to seek God.
One day while feeling His intense call I asked God to give me wisdom on what to do with my life. He so faithfully answered that night in three distinct dreams. The first was the most incredible dream, so vivid and detailed. I was on my back deck surrounded by the Church, they were lying on couches and sitting waiting as I came around to them ministering to each one, connecting them with God, praying for them, and God was healing all their broken places. It was a place of deep unity in the Church family and communion with Jesus. All were being healed by His touch right there on my porch. When I woke up I immediately reached for the phone and tried to call them, then I realized it was a dream and tired to get back to sleep.
The next dream was a nightmare. I was in a prison with my little daughter. We were brought in to offer help. Observation of this place revealed incredibly sad conditions. The cooks were putting all the food onto the floor and though the prison had eating utensils, plates and tables the prisoners ate from the filthy ground. I worked tirelessly to clean it up and get all the food off the floor. While I was cleaning however, some prisoners had taken my daughter away and were preparing to eat her for their meal. After getting everyone sat down to eat at the tables I had arranged and cleaned I was able to rescue my daughter which caused an immense uproar and riot. While I dragged her away from them towards the door, food began to fly all about the place and people were eating from the ground again. Just as we were leaving I saw the next set of people coming in to help and do the cleanup we had just done. This was the cycle, helpers arriving and going, never a bit of progress that would last.
The third and final dream was of my house, and another nightmare. My husband and I had been working non-stop on projects to fix it up. It was like the 1986 film The Money Pit with Tom Hanks. As I was working on the outside, I could see a leak begin in the swimming pool. Walking along the side of the pool and balancing my weight to get to the leak, I fell into a flood of water as it rushed the side and flooded our basement. After nearly drowning I ran towards a neighbor’s house for help and was bitten by their dog. Looking back towards our house, I could see all our possessions floating away with the wall of the house crumbling. It was a total loss.
Each dream stood for something. The Church dream was obviously the best place for me to serve, ministering and connecting people to Jesus. The second was about work. I can work all day trying to save people from their choices, but ultimately what I am doing only lasts so long and then another set of workers come and take over. Without Jesus people will return to their vomit like the dog, they need to be rescued from their prison, but He is the only real way. And work can swallow up my children, so I felt warned to protect them after this dream. The last dream was a warning that my home is not to be my focus, which it can be when there’s so much to take care of. This house will not last into eternity, nor will my work with imprisoned souls. The work in the Church has an eternal purpose, a meaningful purpose, it is a privilege and really the beat of my heart.
When the morning sun came up, I knew I had heard from God. He had spoken. Now, to find how and where and when I can answer that call is a whole other question. So, I keep praying for wisdom.
“God use me somewhere, use me, use me, use me.”
Until then I am in the Bible getting my heart prepared and working hard to stop making a shackle of debt. I am looking for the place where God will allow me the greatest opportunity to serve Him. And as each morning comes I enjoy time with the Lord, time allowing Him to search my heart.